Dad | lonelyhome's Blog

My mom called me yesterday. She had dad to the Oncologist. He's been prescribing chemotherapy that he can take as a pill for a year. It is $800/pill. He takes one for 5 days every 6 weeks. Able to stay at home and causes less side effects. Essentially it is keeping him alive. At Christmas, he was sick with pneumonia and the Oncologist wanted to skip a month because of his immune system being lowered. The cancer spread quickly. So they started every 4 wks. Dad has been getting worse, as far as the speech, confusion, falling, numbness in the extremities...so yesterday, at the Oncologist, he told them that he wanted to stop the chemo and get another MRI. It is obvious to the doctor that the chemo is not helping. He is still worsening. He wants to start making some decisions. My mother told me she just sat there and said "what decisions"...doctor just looks at her...after all this time, she is in denial-still...she said to me then, "why isn't it making him better?" I tell her it is not going to...it was always palliative chemo...she knew that but it is not getting through, she is not understanding...I went for coffee with them this morning. I look into his blue eyes. I don't know if he knows...he wonders why he is numb...asks me..."Amy, should I go to the hospital?"
"no daddy...this is going to happen, remember, hon?...do you have pain?"
"no, I'm just numb, and I cant talk right"
His speech is worse. He stumbles through a sentence. It takes 2 minutes to say what he is thinking. Last week he got on a roll about the remote control and I was so confused as to what we were talking about...but look, I am patient and just listen, because he thinks what he is saying is ok. Well, guys Im blogging this because I dont know what to say...I dont know how to feel...I cant cry, I can't help him...I cant fix him. I cant force my mother to accept it. I also cant force her to be nice to him. Taking out her frustrations on him verbally is the hardest thing for me to see...he is stubborn though...I bought him special "travel mug" type of cups to drink out of...cause he shakes...wont use them...bought him a walker...He said he'd rather be dead...but then fall...this has been going on so long. Its a really rather rare benign tumor condition that usually only lasts 10-12 yrs until it turns to cancer and quickly kills. Its been 15.  I know that we're on borrowed time...but I think Im the only one who knows? I cant cry. I dont know why. I just deal. So thats that. and thats whats going on...